Dictating the Melodies of My Soul

I use to imagine what it would be like if I were in this amazing relationship with this amazing guy, but I have been single for so long now that I can barely picture myself as anything else. When I create the various scenarios that cold be my future, I am single in every single one of them. A year ago, I would have pictured myself in a serious relationship or even married, but now in my mind’s eye I am singular. Five years from now I see myself living life, trying new things, exploring the endless possibilities that seem so readily available to a young person as a single person. This is new for me, and I can say that I am strangely at peace with this. I feel like the burden of this ideal, that says that a complete person is one that is participating in a successful and happy relationship, has finally been lifted from my mind. Praise God! I am free!

I want to spend my life exploring beauty and sharing my beautiful discoveries with others. I want to eat, breath, drink, and live art. I want my passport to have more than just two stamps in it. Tonight, I am giving my heart, my voice, my talents such as they are to God. I want to hold hands with possibility*. God, I don’t want to limit myself. May my life not be a series of regrets but a life of the discovery of true love and beauty that stems from an Almighty and Merciful God.

*I read the phrase “hold hands with possibility” on a silly little scrapbook insert thingy. I laughed when I saw it and exclaimed, “What is that suppose to mean?”. A friend went on to tell me that they saw it as holding hands in prayer and being completely open to all the things that are possible through God. She said it gave her a sense of praying with absolute abandonment and a sense of boldness in asking God to make the impossible, possible. Man was I completely impacted by this response. It gave me a lot to think about. 

I am so sick of opinions. I am tired of shallow “I think” statements. I hate condescending personal opinions spewed out as if they were fact. I want truth. I want to know your convictions. I will tell you mine because my opinions fail me. They lead down ignorant paths and to ill informed conclusions. I find no rest in what I think. I find peace in what I know to be true. I find my convictions are based in the living Word of God and I find confidence. I find joy. I find Christ instead of myself. I find that these convictions are not my own but are truth and wisdom given to me by the Holy Spirit. I want to know your convictions. I want to know the thoughts that make the heart and core of you. I want to know what shapes you. Your opinions reveal your pride. You use them as a fragile facade to cover up who you really are. Who are you? Tell me. Be brave and tell me.

I need to learn how to use this thing….

Sitting by Flour Fountain taking in the the sights and sounds. Harry Nilsson is softly singing in my ear as the warm sun shines on my back and a soft breeze cools my face. It is the end of another semester. One thing has ended and now I must move on to the next, leaving behind a period of my life that lasted for only four short months.

Feeling funny about a second chance. But God knows what is best. So what if I am stuck with the same eight songs for another six weeks. I am glad for a second chance…..